Or To Disclose or Not To Disclose
After speaking with someone about a recent interview, that I felt had been going well, up to the end, when it seemed to crash, we discussed a way to come at things differently. I am of an age that still does not know how to treat autism. When I was growing up, autism was not a spectrum, it was Dustin Hoffman as Ray, in Rain Man. It was high needs (low functioning, in outdated speak). I only realized my own autism in the last few years.
When I first realized that I was not “normal” I almost broke down in tears of joy and fear. Multiple emotions crashed through me, it explained so much, it made me realize that I wasn’t just broken. I was simply something else entirely, neurodivergent, not neurotypical, that was all. And it was a relief, to realize that I was not just missing something everybody else got, I mean, I was, and there was an actual reason for it, not just a personal failing.
After coming to understand my neurodivergence, I also began to disclose on applications, of which I have submit literally hundreds in the last year and a half as I try to get back to meaningful vocation. Marking that I have a disability on an application does fuck all, truly. The conversation today, though was why don’t you lead with your neurodivergence, as it colors the conversation, it explains things that otherwise simply come off as social awkwardness or disinterest in the company or the job. Saying, “My name is Matthew and I am on the autism spectrum and this affords me a detail oriented view and task driven nature, and also characterizes my interpersonal interactions.” Or however, tailored to the situation. It is a risk, it is also an openness of vulnerability and an authenticity.
An authenticity that I felt I failed in my recent interview. The interview had been progressing quite well, it would have been a challenging position, something that I would have been quite capable of doing and probably would have quite enjoyed the challenge of, as well as a position that aligns well with my moral and philosophical view points. After the questions, when it came to the, “Do you have any questions for us?” part, I failed again, I felt.
I have always struggled with that part of the interview. I used to go through an interview and be asked that and say, “No, no questions. It all seems to make as much sense as anything.” I mean, it did. I am able to extrapolate from incomplete data, I am able to understand what is presented to me. I usually didn’t have any specific questions, what am I supposed to ask? And not having questions became a red flag from their perspective, so I am led to believe. As such, I generated a list of questions, things like, “What can I expect in the first ninety days of the role?” Which is the question I asked in this most recent interview. It was a question read off a piece of paper with a bunch of similar questions. And as the answers were presented, after my interviewers had finished, the one called the end of the interview. I could feel the virtual shutters being dropped. I knew it was over and that I had screwed it up, I didn’t understand why though.
On reflection, I realized that the question was inauthentic, I had peed in the Cheerios. Because I didn’t understand. It had to be explained to me that the question is not as I had interpreted it, as a neurodivergent rule follower, to ask questions. I mean, they asked and I provided a question, as that is how neurotypicals work, as for questions, receive question. I had not understood that it was a place to showcase my knowledge of the role by asking pointed questions. I simply had not understood the nature of that phase of the interview. I do now, and it may not help past me, it will help future me. And maybe help someone else who also doesn’t always get neurotypical conversations.